Bad Blogger.

My name is Matt, and I'm a bad blogger.



One thing I know about myself beyond a doubt, is that when things get rough, I collapse in on myself. Kind of a mental and emotional fetal position. I ignore the fact that the world exists until the clouds all blow over and there is some semblance of a livable reality out there.



If anyone sees one, please forward it my way.



No, life isn't over as I know it. But things are scary, and agonizing, and ... well, making me stay in a fetal position.



(Oh, I threw my back out last week, which makes this even more pronounced).



Please don't be offended by my disappearance. I need to be inside myself for a bit.



Here's a pretty picture for now:

MatterBulletPoints

Oy. The past week in a nutshell:

• Second interviews with two candidates. I wasn't as impressed the second time around.
• First interview with someone recommended by another person in the firm. Wrong.
• A long, very difficult discussion with the rest of our Core Team. The economy sucks, and our firm laid off at least five people last week. We're not hiring anybody ... it would send the wrong message, and if we do hire, we'd more than likely have to lay someone off within the next six months. So - no hires. Meaning, our AP team is losing a person, even though we already run a very lean department. Ouch.
• Most of my team, while scared of the additional workload, says "We'll make it work. We'll pull together". There's no other choice.
• The most odious member of my team immediately harped on getting additional workspace, since we're losing someone. Nice empathy, babe.
• Same team member than copied me and another manager on one of the rudest e-mails I've ever read, voicing her opposition to a new advocacy program we're implementing. Basically, she only works here because it pays the bills, and demeaned everything the firm stands for. A "come to Jesus" meeting is going to take place next week. I don't think she's long for this world, professionally.
• Had dinner Friday night with someone I knew in college, who now teaches at said college. How cool to know that so many people on the faculty there remember me and sent warm wishes.
• Our Thanksgiving has turned from just Scott and I to six people, including a two-year-old. I'm over the top with anxiety about getting the house cleaned. I can't believe I'm taking the time to write this.
• Scott decided to hire a maid service to do some heavy cleaning before the holiday. Unfortunately, as of right now it doesn't seem that anyone can come the times we need them to.
• My sleep schedule is sooooo fucked. I got up at 4:30 this morning. Not that I've gotten anything accomplished today. I still have to vacuum and steam-clean the carpets and go to the store. I'll put off buying everything we need for Thanksgiving and stop at the store each night on my way home from work this week.
• I have to work on Friday, to make sure there's some minimal coverage in our department. Blech.

Off to clean and start laundry ... why do I do this to myself?

Waiting.

I snapped this picture of Kitty this morning, right after Scott left for work. She was immediately waiting for him to come home. She didn't know what else to do ... so she sat and stared at the door, not knowing or even thinking of what she could do other than to wait for the door to open again.






Work has been rough lately. I don't know that I can do it. I seriously think I'm the wrong person for this job. I feel like I'm waiting for something, just as Kitty is. I'm waiting for that one thing to happen, that one good, magical thing that shows me I've been doing the right thing. That I've been working toward the right goal, that things are looking up.

I went back to work for this company a year and a half ago, into a completely new role. One I knew absolutely nothing about. They enticed me to come back, saying that this team needed help, needed someone like me, needed change. Needed my personality, my style, my perserverance.

I haven't been able to make that change. And I realize, more than ever, that I don't know how. And that I have a lot of fear.

My boss and my co-managers are very supportive of me, telling me I've been doing a great job, acknowledging what I have done, letting me go in any direction that I want, helping to guide me. I've been a big proponent of "baby steps", of trying to emphasize that "two steps forward and one step back" is still a step forward. But I don't think I believe that anymore. I feel like there have been a lot of steps to the side ... not forward.

In the past year, I've had to replace two of my team members. One who retired, another who moved back to California. Their replacements have been two of the most incredible hires that could have happened.

Now, I'm looking at having to replace another one (shhh - this isn't quite public knowledge yet). This is a team of six people, including myself. My biggest struggle is with two team members who have been there the longest, who are irreplacable in so many ways, but who are also inflexible and, to be honest, bitter old women. But they have so much knowledge, so much history, so very much more experience in this particular field than I do, that I'm afraid to lose them. I don't know enough about this role to be able to confidently replace them.

I guess that's the whole point. I'm afraid. Afraid that whatever I do is going to be a mistake, and could honestly cause some huge financial issues for this company.

So much of my job is transactional, rather than strategic. I'm constantly busy doing "things", trying to help everyone get the job done, trying to just function, getting the huge piles of never-ending paperwork processed, keeping us functioning day to day. I have big picture, transformational things that I want to do, but can never get to. I think I've taken on more than I am capable of doing.

And so I wait ... wait for something good to happen, wait for the right combination of people and opportunities to make it all take place, wait for the "ah-ha" moment where I finally get to slide in and save the world.

And I guess I'm waiting to finally realize that I, unlike Kitty, have opposable thumbs ... that I can open the door myself, and make it happen.


Now if only I was comfortable being as much of a bitch as she is ...

Bye, R.

My best friend at work, R, ended his job with the firm the other day. He and I have become pretty good buddies over the past year, and I already miss him. I've never really had a work buddy who I went on breaks with, grabbed lunch with almost every day, and worked so well with (we were in different departments but had a lot of job interaction).

One of our recruiters with whom we're also friends kept trying to come up with a name for us, since we were seen together so often. Laverne and Shirley? No. Tom and Jerry? Eh. Nothing quite fit. But everyone knew we were friends. Our recruiter friend grabbed me yesterday to see if I was doing okay. I admitted I was sad about the whole situation.

I'm sure we'll keep in touch to some extent, as he and his partner live pretty close to Scott and me, but it's different not seeing him every day. I had to take a walk and get lunch by myself yesterday, and it was pretty lonely. I'm not one to have many friends outside of those Scott and I see together, so in a way this is kinda like a death to me.

Matterdays sad.

Blah. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I'm cranky. I've been working 60 hour weeks - which many of you may be used to, but not me. Yesterday I ended up taking two naps because I'm absolutely exhausted - and then working for a few hours later in the day. Blah. The biggest part of my contribution to our fiscal year-end at work is done, so I'm hoping to ease back into a regular schedule and some semblance of a life.

I feel like I'm behind on everything that doesn't have to do with work (well, that too). I owe Chris a meme post (it was harder than I thought!). Scott keeps trying to add new things to his collection of iPod accessories, thinking I won't notice in my foggy state of mind. The house isn't very clean ... I think the piles of clothes in the Pink Room (I'll explain that some other time) are supposed to be washed. Our kids only vaguely remember me as someone related to feeding them. I hate feeling this way, that there are so many things I'm not getting done. It overwhelms me - and then I don't get ANYTHING done.

This afternoon we're heading up to our friends' house in Snohomish for a belated "Easter" brunch. I need to force myself to get some laundry and cleaning done before then. I'll post some pictures later; I'm hoping getting together with some friends will help energize me.

Where the Hell is Matterdays?

I'm still alive. We're going through our fiscal year-end at work. I've been spending a few hours at the office. Almost 15 hours yesterday. (Yes, I most certainly AM asking for sympathy ... humor me, please).

I feel like I'm living, eating and sleeping with my job lately. So, I thought this was funny:

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

I'll post something soon. Don't forget I'm here ...

My Company Throws A Pretty Darn Cool Holiday Party

Last night was our company's holiday party, at the Jonas Jensen Fremont Studios (we've outgrown the Fairmont Olympic Hotel downtown, where our parties had been for years). Working for an architecture and design firm makes for creative parties ...

The front of the building had the name of our firm projected in huge letters on the wall (which helped us find it, since it was kind of an out of the way place).

As we were walking up, we noticed that it was snowing, even though it was 45 degrees out - there was a snow machine on the roof so that it was snowing just in front of our party. (No pictures of that, so you'll just have to use your imagination).

Scott got creative taking a picture of the blue neon above the entrance ...

... I even showered and shaved for the occasion ...

... and so did Scott (thankfully he didn't wear his original outfit) ...

... Keeping in a colorful Holiday theme, the main room where we had dinner was bathed in red light, with big mirrors hanging from the ceiling that looked like ornaments ...

... and the room with the dance floor was in green lights (the best thing about company parties is seeing who gets drunk, and who dances - and how!) ...

... and what's a Christmas party without an appearance by the Three Wise Men (our friend Chris, me and Scott)

And that's the one night a year I get to wear a suit.

"Yay!" or "Grrrr ... "

This is a venting post.

Our department has been on "retreat" the past few days. Which means team members from our Columbus office have been here in Seattle and we've been in intensive workflow meetings here in our Seattle office (cost effective) and trying to address big-ticket issues. And a lot of team-building goals have been met - effectively, I think. Some fun things, some aggressively intense meetings. We've gotten a LOT of work done, and some incredible gigantic steps/processes nailed or at least implemented. I'm proud of my team and the things we accomplished and are about to move forward with.

"Yay!!!!"

And also, I've tried to deal with a complex, honestly stupid issue in between our full-day meetings. I thought that I was addressing it correctly and professionally (it's with an outside vendor in an overall f****d up arrangement of which I am not in control and only have an "after-the-fact" responsibility for), and that I was fully capable of handling it. Well, it came around and bit me hard on the ass. While I THOUGHT I was handling the situation, it then went over my head (without my knowledge) and other management individuals "bailed me out" - without me knowing that I needed bailing out. It went WAY over my head, to the extent that our Finance Director was contacted, and someone else took care of something that I THOUGHT I was fully capable of handling. And now I'm pissed off, knowing that I'm going to get my ass chewed out - MAJORLY - for something that I shouldn't even have been involved in.

"Grrrr ... "

I know I'm being vague and that this doesn't make any sense. I just hate the fact that I was hired to do a job, and am COMPLETELY capable of doing it, yet I'm not allowed to handle the difficult issues that come up. If "they" feel that they need to handle all of these kinds of issues - fine. Then handle ALL of them and don't waste my time and yours, and your money, to have me come in and be a monkey sitting at a desk in your world. Knock yourselves out. Do my job on top of yours. Don't throw the crap that you don't want to deal with on my plate, and then play the savior card and pretend that the world can't live without you, but can live without me. Because that's the world you'll live with - the one without me.

Sorry. I'm done now.

10,000cc of valium - STAT!!!!

I'm having workmares every night, and spend hours each night laying in bed thinking about work (and telling myself "STOP IT!!"). My teeth are constantly clenched. I'm jittery, and my stomach hurts. Today, I finally went and picked up something for lunch at 2:45 p.m. - and threw half of it away an hour and a half later because I never had the chance to eat it. I'm constantly checking my work e-mail from home so I can be on top of things and not have as many surprises when I get to the office. I bring my laptop home every weekend to "catch up" but can never really get there. I feel like I'm failing at what I was hired to do because I can't even GET to the projects that the rest of my Core Team wanted me to tackle. I would literally have to work 16 hour days to get ahead, and honestly, I'm not paid enough to do that.

Yesterday, though, my boss told me I should be proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I don't think I'm confident enough to accept that. There is an overwhelming, insurmountable, way-past-my-coming-back history of issues that I'm supposed to deal with and solve by the end of the year - and, truth be told, I just can't get it done. I'm trying to show up at work each day and accomplish SOMETHING, but I feel like all I can do is keep our heads above water.

And, I realize that I'm STILL whining ... but, that's just how I feel lately. Yes, I'm fishing for good thoughts and some love. I'm hoping to plan even one freakin' afternoon off in the next month where I can just relax and let go of everything and go back to my simple post. I think a nice long massage is in order. Preferrably on a lanai overlooking the ocean, for about two hours.

*long heavy sigh*

Matterdays feels heavy. Going to bed.

Overwhelmed.

Hi kids.

I know, I know ... I've been lax (to put it mildly) at posting. So I'm going to at least post a quick, bullet-point update on My Life:

• I wrote about having to replace one of my team members who retired. I did hire someone, who started yesterday. I think she's going to be fantastic - quick learner, great personality, eager to roll up her sleeves and get into it ASAP. WOW I need that right now.
• Another team member in Ohio (who reads this blog!) changed her role in the firm and will no longer be in Accounting, so we're transitioning all functions to Seattle. Luckily, we have had an INCREDIBLE temp person working in our Seattle office for many, many months - so I offered her the job immediately, and she accepted. Yay!
• Those are the good things. The challenges? Training two people at the same time. Going through some big policy changes (or at least, needing to enforce policies that haven't been enforced for a LONG time). Being unpopular with the people/scofflaws whom this affects. Starting two new positions at a hugely busy (more so than normal) time of the month. Add the other changes that I have been trying to implement - and you have one haggard-looking, stressed-out Matterdays.
• The pile of "other" issues that I WANT to be dealing with as a manager? Well, I keep inheriting more and more and more and more. Nothing goes away. I'm still trying to deal with things that haven't been addressed (at least not properly) for the past two years while I was gone. I'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that if I ever want to see the surface of my desk again, the only solution will involve flammable liquids and a match. And don't think I won't go there.

Thus endeth the rantings/ravings/whining/bitchings of Matterdays.

Thanks for lending an ear.

An update, and a pledge ...

Yeah, my posts have been meaningless fluff/drivel for a while.

I miss having the time and focus to make this blog what I originally wanted. I haven't taken the time lately to form my opinions well enough to warrant spewing them out to the unsuspecting public. So, I've kept to myself. And submerged myself in the somewhat surreal world that is my work life.

Quick updates on that:

* Still haven't hired anyone to replace my retiring team member. I came to three candidates I wanted to interview; one declined, one no-showed, the one I interviewed I'm on the fence about. One more candidate to interview ... but we're looking to agencies now. The next month is promising to be hellish.

* I'm planning a "Come To Jesus" meeting with the other team members. Seriously ... a team of five people (plus me), and they are E-MAILING me about "so-and-so did this", "so-and-so said that", "why isn't so-and-so doing yadda yadda yadda ... ". If I had WANTED to be a high school teacher, I would have finished that education major instead of running screaming away from it.

* I have to consciously make myself lower my shoulders. They're up near my ears these days. I think there's a little stress/muscle tension occurring.

On the other hand, I do still love the Big Picture of my job. I just need to wade through a lot to GET to that Big Picture. And I don't own hip boots.


So, the pledge: I WILL post an actual intelligent, thoughtful post ... hopefully this weekend. I miss writing them, actually. I need to find some more balance in my life. I recently bought a bracelet through Human Rights Campaign, and I love it ... it tells me to just "Be". Simple, eh? The way I like it:

How do y'all handle stress when it overwhelms you?

Back in Seattle Again ...

I lived. Four times I was strapped into a two-inch-square seat and hurtled through the air, six-plus miles above the earth, in a pressurized aluminum tube - and I wasn't even paid for it. But I'm back home and pretty damn happy about it.

It was a rough week, in general. I got a lot done, but not everything I wanted to. I met quite a few people that I have known via e-mail for years, but it's always great to meet face-to-face and create a personal connection. And a lot went on while I was 2,000 miles away from The Office.

The Good: Great food. Reuben pizzas, ginormous burgers (mmmm), blue-corn cornbread, fantastic carbonara, Blue Sapphire martinis, wheat beer, steak quesadillas. My wonderful friend Linda chauffeuring me everywhere and showing me some great neighborhoods in Columbus, and keeping me company during our dinners. Seeing a real, honest-to-god thunderstorm for a change. Meeting some cool new friends in a beautiful garden before going to a cool old theater to watch one of my favorite Marx Brothers' movies. The nuns/cobblestones joke at the unbelievably, absolutely perfect moment.

The Bad: My laptop frying upon entry to the Midwest. Having back-to-back meetings where I was at first greeted as the Angel of Mercy, and then flogged on a post more than once. Jetlag. Feeling sick from being in air-conditioning all the time. Dealing with team members in Seattle ripping each others' throats out while I was on the other side of the country.

The Ugly: Being told what to do regarding team issues by other core team members and making me feel two inches tall an hour before I had to head towards another pressurized metal tube. Having to come up with an emergency job description and contingency plan for a team member who is retiring at the end of August. Trying to plan how our team will make it all work, knowing that we probably won't be able to hire someone before said team member leaves. Dealing with Flow Control that almost made my flight from Columbus to Chicago leave five hours late. The little girl two rows in front of me throwing up all over her entire row of seats - 45 minutes into a 4 1/2 hour flight.


Pretty Picture time ...

Waiting to board my plane at O'Hare (on the way to Columbus).

My luxurious room.

And the view with the room.

The view from the accounting department - the building is right on a quarry lake. Very serene - I loved the atmosphere here.

My friend Linda. She called herself "Julie Love Boat", being the Cruise Director for my trip.

Linda's friend Jim invited us to have dinner in his gardens (knowing I'm into our gardens) before going to the theater. He's an artist, and some of his sculptures are in the garden. It's exquisite - I wish I had pictures that would do it justice.

The view of the garden from the Tea House. Those are my feet, up in the comfy recliner.

The Pond.

The view from the study. I want a study like this.

And finally, the view from the plane - somewhere over Minnesota, I think.

Jobbie - Day One

*whew*

Day one is done. Matterdays tired. So just some bullet points to recap:

• My commute SUCKS. It's only about 3 miles, but the bus I have to take is about 7 blocks from my house, only runs to and from my neighborhood every 30 - 45 minutes, and takes me about 45 minutes each way. And the office is in an up-and-coming neighborhood with construction on every block ... so all the parking lots are full (no monthly spots open, difficult to find an open spot day-to-day). Blech.
• Upside: the firm provides bus passes for free, which they didn't do in the past. (Damn - I'd already bought a pass for May ... )
• More people recognized me (and came up and hugged me) than I thought would. I was told that the entire department practically gave a standing ovation when it was announced to them last week that I was returning. The one person working under me who I hadn't met (and I was told was a little unsure of getting a new boss) came up to me as she was leaving and told me how glad she was that I'm there.
• The building was designed by the firm (it's an architectural firm) and I'd never been in it - they moved about 2 months after I left, although I had seen all the plans and had an idea what it would be like. It's very cool - and "green" - windows that open (there are lights that tell you when the temperature is okay to open the windows), blinds that automatically move throughout the day to reduce glare, rooftop spaces with native grasses growing, etc.
• Downside: They got real creative with naming the conference rooms (and there are about 20 of them): all related to jazz songs/themes/composers. The two closest to my desk are "Misty" and "Time Out". People literally carry these little floor maps around with them (along with their key cards) so they can find the right conference rooms. It was suggested to me, having a musical background, that when I send out meeting requests, I attach a sound file that relates to where the meeting will be, and everyone will have to just figure it out. I think I like that.
• Huge huge huge plus: the controller/assistant controller are totally making me know that they are treating me as an equal and a member of the management team. When we met this morning, they made it clear that I am in charge of my group - they will not be presiding over anything. I'm included in any meetings and calls that involve the rest of management. They took me out to lunch today, which in the past was unheard of if you weren't part of the "core team". I'm officially recognized as being at "that level".
• In answer to CondoBlogger and Jo - probably no travel, or very little. Possibly a trip or two a year to Columbus, which I'm gonna push for - since that's a smaller office and the people there on my team feel kinda left out. But Jo - generally when you fly from Seattle to Columbus, you HAVE to go through Chicago ...

Good good start. I'm still excited. Tomorrow will be the first real meeting of my team, so we'll see what everyone brings to the table. I have some big ideas ...

Back to work ...

I mentioned in my April 12 of 12 post that I had been laid off of my new temporary-to-hire position after two months - and also, that I received a formal job offer from a firm that I was with for seven years up until about a year and a half ago. I accepted their offer and am starting my new position with them tomorrow.

My new role is as an accounting manager, with emphasis on building and mentoring one area of the department - about six people in both Seattle and in Columbus, Ohio. I'm replacing the previous manager, but the role is being tailored a bit to ensure the success of the department (the previous job description was a bit aggressive in its scope) and to concentrate on my strengths.

After my job-hunting disappointments of the past six months or so, this position is, of course, an ego boost. And more than that, it's exactly the kind of role that I've wanted to be in for a long time. Specifically, I

"will be responsible for supervising, training and mentoring staff, recommending and implementing best practices, and communicating with individuals both within and outside the firm regarding policy and process".

The offer letter also said,

"This highly-visible function is vital to the reputation and governance of the firm and the satisfaction of its employees, and we feel your experience and personal style will be instrumental in taking this area to a new level."

How could I not be excited and flattered? It took a lot of thinking on my part to be sure that I wasn't considering the position solely based on comfort level, but I know that's not the case. They've truly made great efforts and strides in building and focusing the department into something positive and proactive, and knowing the firm and the people already makes the learning curve easier - so I can dive into my new role sooner.

So there. A little self-promoting and attention-whorism on my part, but hey - that's what I need tonight. Wish me luck, kids.

Work work work work work ...

When I started this blog, since I wasn't working, I was able to spend more time looking for - and considering - subjects to post about.

But as we all know, since work takes up so much of our lives, it's hard to keep it going during the normal crazy work week. Obviously, I've fallen into that abyss. After such a long vacation from the working world, it's hard to get back into the mode of working full-time, spending my days off doing household chores (which I've been HORRIBLE at lately) and still trying to maintain a semi-interesting blog. Although, I've noticed that I get more readership and comments from what I consider to be mundane posts than from the opinionated, politically- and socially-oriented posts I write. So I'm guessing y'all are more interested in my life than in my overstated opinions. Point taken. Few people want to read my long-winded rants, and prefer to read about more personal items. Not an issue - I'm still discovering my place in the blog world.

So what's been going in in Matterdays' world recently?

Work.

I honestly do like the job I'm doing right now. There are obstacles - the fact that I'm only a "temporary" employee for at least the next five months, the fact that my department has been so overwhelmed/understaffed/turned-over for so long that we're in a reactionary, working-by-the-seat-of-our pants mode 24/7, the ongoing fact that the higher-ups tend to take no notice or interest in the overwhelming day-to-day operations that we need to do and demand huge time- and resource-commanding projects (unknown to us until they're demanded) and want them done, oh, yesterday. Those are some big issues to me. But does anyone really want to read about the huge Medicare project I worked on for over a week (which didn't lead to the results the Board of Directors wanted to hear)? Or of the banging-my-head-on-my-desk issues I'm facing with the non-profit foundation of the clinic (which I'm supposed to be taking over from a financial statement front) where I have to face the misunderstandings that have been going on for months before I arrived? Or of my own shortcomings that I'm seeing in some projects that the management wanted to be solved and "made to go away" once some unknown warm body arrived on the scene?

So ... I'm still in negotiations with the firm I used to work for, for a management position they want me to return to do. Am I really qualified? If I returned, would I face the same obstacles that plagued me in my prior position with the firm? Are they expecting things I can't accomplish? Has the culture and hierarchy really changed enough to keep me happy there? They know from my past performance what I can do ... but am I being realistic when I'm considering returning to that world, and thinking I'll actually make a difference?

Is Matterdays just having a bad week and needs something to boost his confidence? Hell, yes.

I'm meeting with the controller and assistant controller from my old firm on Friday for lunch. We're supposed to talk about the "particulars" of my potential return to that company. Like before, I've never been in this position, so I'm not quite sure what to expect. Supposedly, all the members of the management team (including the CFO, who's out of town) are "delighted" to hear that I'm considering going back to work there. But, this time I'm meeting with not only the controller, but the manager who was my boss for the seven years I was there. I'm nervous, to be honest. I'm not sure that she could truly see me as an equal, a member of the core team and management of the department. The controller, whom I had lunch with the other week, I know will respect and accept me in this new role ... but I'm just so unsure about everyone else. I'm uneasy about this upcoming meeting, and I'm trying to think of every possible thing I might have to encounter and answer to. And, on the other hand, I'm trying to keep not only my self-confidence, but the idea that they are courting me, and that it's actually up to them to convince me to return, and not the other way around.


*sigh*


On a completely unrelated note - Scott and I are going to a "sushi party" at the house of some great friends this weekend. We're all supposed to bring our "favorites" for making sushi together. I don't think that I've ever really EATEN sushi. Does anyone have some ideas for what to bring that's really tasty? I was thinking some salmon, some cooked (cold) shrimp, some avocado and some cucumber ... but does anyone have some great ideas?

Off to bed ...

The Meeting

So, I met my old accounting manager yesterday ... (and yes, I do realize that I start a lot of posts with "So ... " - I guess I tend to write the way I talk).

Thanks for everyones' input about where to meet - I did send her an e-mail with two choices and she picked the brewpub. Agreed, the conversation was more important than the food, but I wanted to show that I was being sensitive to her likes/dislikes, and gave options that would be best for having a discussion. (We both had steak frites topped with a bleu cheese sauce ... mmm ... ).

The position that they want to replace is an Accounting Manager position that replaced me when I left (I wasn't an Accounting Manager at the time, but they've made some changes). When I left, the management core team was pretty set in their ways, and while the firm as a whole was totally into changing with the markets, the Accounting department had remained status quo for quite some time. I explained, quite bluntly, why I and other star players had left - no room for growth or advancement, a reluctance of the core team to trust others enough to let go of some management responsibilities to clear their plates for more important non-operational duties, a tendency to micro-manage their staff to within an inch of everyone's lives - which all came from top down - the CFO set the model. I figured I had nothing to lose with being so blunt, and she whole-heartedly agreed, nodding and smiling with every word I said. I told her that, in my view, the people who had been there the longest were the ones that were adamantly resistant to change, who were perfectly happy performing the same tasks day in and day out ad infitum. And again, she completely agreed. To be honest, if the other manager had contacted me, I wouldn't have been so ready to meet with that manager or to be so honest; the one I met with is now a principal in the firm and the controller, and has always been incredibly respected by me (which I also told her).

Now, the role she wants to replace the current accounting manager with will be different - a new position really, reporting solely to her (the controller) and redesigned as a whole. The CFO has let go of a lot of her day-to-day operations meddling, and the managers (controller and assistant controller) have hired numerous new positions in the year that I've been gone - a tax attorney, two project analysts, an additional accounts payable position. They seem to truly be open to change and progress - finally. The position I would take over would be less of the position I left, and more true management. They want me to oversee and build the accounts payable team, including having the authority to cut out any "dead weight" and restructure the department to meet the strengths of the staff they want to keep, rather than maintaining them in their traditional and time-honored roles. They want someone who will look at the Big Picture and say, "Why are we doing it this way?", and implement change. They want someone who will look at all policies and procedures, challenge them, and come up with new and improved ideas to meet the changing world of the firm, the industry, and the world. How freaking exciting is that??? When I told her (before knowing what she was looking to do with this role) about my strengths as I now know them, how I'm energized by training/mentoring/guiding my staff, constantly challenging the status quo, and building a communal effort that empowers all staff to share their ideas and strengths AND weaknesses with a willingness to adapt, she broke into a huge smile and said "THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!!!!!"

I know the firm. I know the people. I know the good and the bad. She assured me that the things I feared in returning are looking better, that I'd have more authority and ownership of the role than I was given before. She assured me that the whole structure of the entire administrative team is less top-down and more democratic. She said my salary requirement is in the range she's willing to pay.

It was very, very positive. When we parted, I said I had a lot to think about, and was very intrigued by the offer, but would get back to her next week about the next step.

So now comes the hard part. I have to think about the big picture, and the details. Am I considering this position purely due to the comfort level (already knowing the firm, the industry, the people, the systems in place)? If I were looking at all of this from an outsider's point of view, would my interest level be different? Is that good or bad? Am I being idealistic - is it possible I would return and be met with the same brick walls I met in the past, regardless of the changes being promised (and that have already happened in my absence)? Will I meet the same reluctance to trust the next level of management (which would be me) and willingness to advance and promote my position? Would I truly be going back as an equal (or close) to the people who used to be my superiors? Can they handle that? Can I?

I know this is my decision, and mine alone. But - if any of you have any feedback, please, please share. As I said before, I've not been in this position at any other time. I have to balance the opportunity in front of me with the opportunities at my current job (learning a new industry, being well-respected and admired even in the first three weeks - but still being a temporary employee for the next 5 months at least).

Oh - and speaking of "when it rains, it pours" ... my manager at my current job sent me an e-mail yesterday morning about a financial analyst position that's opened with the clinic in the insurance/claims group. She gave me the information with mixed feelings as she wants to hire me in my current role with her group, but wants me to decide, not her.

A few weeks ago, I would have killed to be in this position! Now, it's exciting, and ego-boosting, but quite overwhelming ...

Input needed - where to meet & eat?

On Friday, I'm meeting one of my former managers (who is now the controller) of the firm I worked for over a year ago, and had been working for for seven years. She called me asking if I'd be interested in returning to that firm in an Accounting Manager role. We've set a time to meet near my current job for lunch to discuss what she's offering, more detail as to why I left, what I'm looking for, etc. Honestly, this is the first time I've ever been in such a position - where I'm more or less in control of the situation and being "courted", so to speak. I told her I'd figure out a place to meet for lunch, and I'm trying to come up with the right place. The neighborhood I'm working in is a little sketchy, but pretty hip, part of the "gayborhood" in Seattle (well, being a liberal Left Coast city, they're ALL pretty much gayborhoods anymore). Most of the places I know are more take-out/grab your food and go back to your desk kinda places. But she's very VERY cool and is looking forward to meeting me there.

Scott and I are not big into going out - we're homebodies and have favorite restaurants that are in other neighborhoods on the rare occasion that we go out to eat. So while I know the neighborhood, I don't really know the good places to go. And while the meal itself is secondary to the conversation we'll be having, I still want the location to leave a good taste in her mouth even though I have limited knowledge of the restaurants (no pun intended - or was it?).

So my choices are (in order of proximity to my office):

1. A nice-looking sit-down Thai place (I'm not big on Thai food, but I can live) that's right next door to my office, which no one I've talked to has eaten at but the one review I've been able to find online says it's pretty decent - and seems to be a good atmosphere for actually having a conversation while eating)
2. A brew pub that has a good reputation for food and may still be semi-private for talking, and reflects the neighborhood pretty well (hip but not overly-alternative) - but might be too noisy?
3. A quasi-Mexican restaurant a few blocks farther away (part of a newish hotel) that others have recommended but doesn't have stellar reviews, and probably not an over-crowded lunch place

So ... will the place I choose to meet have a huge impact on the discussion? If the food or service isn't great will that reflect poorly on me?

I'm leaning toward # 1 or #2. I thought I'd shoot her an e-mail in the morning asking her preference, but I'm guessing she'll say "whichever you'd like!". Any opinions? Of course, we want to talk more than anything, so I guess I shouldn't plan on having my mouth filled with the GREAT burgers the brew pub has ...

Of course, the (interim) CFO at the company I'm working for sent out an e-mail this afternoon telling everyone that the clinic is buying the department pizza on Friday, so not to bring our lunches - so maybe I can have a few slices of pizza before meeting her and the food won't be of any consequence to me ... (hey, if I'm being courted with food, I should make it my advantage, no?).

I know this seems like a silly thing to ask about, but like I said this is new to me and am just curious what anyone has to say ... I'm in a good position here but I'm nervous ...

Movin' On Up ...

(This is NOT my office ... )

Well, I've been at my new job for just over a week now ... and I'm already on my third office.





Yep, office, not cubicle, office.





Now don't be gettin' all huffy about me being all hotsy-totsy and stuff. The floor is set up so that the CFO, the two accounting managers, the benefits administrator, and the two senior accountant have offices (with a wall full of windows facing the interior and doors that are almost never closed). When I first started, they put me in the Benefit Administrator's office, since she was on vacation. Then I moved to the Accounting Operations manager's office for a day since she was at a conference in LA. Today, they moved me to my next home, hopefully for a while.





It's the Chief Financial Officer's (CFO's) office.





With windows.





And a HUGE desk.





The CFO is now in a smaller office next door to me.





(Okay, okay ... disclaimer: They've had lots of turnover in the past few years, at all levels. The current CFO is just an interim CFO until they can hire someone permanent, so he's only there 75% of the time. And, I'm sharing the office with another person - but he gets "the table", I get "The Desk". And, the interim CFO took the big comfy leather chair with him to the smaller office. I have a regular desk chair with faded blue upholstery that clunks whenever I turn it).





Still, if I can get a picture of the office and my desk, I'm gonna post it.





They like me, they really like me!! (They do, but that's another post in itself ... )

And then there were three.

The nursery I interviewed at offered me a job.

I was offered a temp-to-hire position which I'm currently working at.

I came home from work today and had a voice message ... from the firm I had been with for seven years before leaving a little over a year ago. They want to replace an account manager and called to see if I'd consider coming back.

I was more than a little amused to hear from them. I called the manager back (who is now their controller) and we actually had a good conversation. So, we're going to get together for lunch and discuss what they have in mind. I don't have any big desire to work with them again unless there have been some major changes in the culture of their finance department, but I think this person knows where I'm coming from and what the negatives were that made me leave. We will have a very frank discussion when we get together, and I'll see what she has to say and offer to me. I, in turn, will let her know what I would have to be offered to consider returning.

I feel very important lately. But I'll try not to let it go to my head. It's looking fat enough lately as it is ...

"How was school?"

So my first day of "school" is done.

All in all, not bad ... not bad at all. New classmates seem nice. Teachers are pretty cool. The school itself is pretty cool, too - big atrium with a giant skylight goes right through all four floors of the building, so it will be bright and sunny - when it stops raining.

I don't have a desk/cubicle/computer of my own, so I'm temporarily in the Benefit Administrator's office while she's on vacation this week. But, we were having network issues and I had to move to another workspace (of someone else who was off today) so I could log on.

One of the accountants showed me the cash receipts booking and processing procedure - I guess I'll be a back-up person for that. I HATE doing cash receipts; it's pretty entry-level but VERY complicated for a huge medical clinic like this one ... but oh well. Of course, there were tons of issues with the deposits, and lots of "it's NEVER this bad!" going on ... but oh well. And lots of issues with my system access not being set up correctly - but oh well. These are the kind of things that happen when you bring someone new into a finance department, so no biggie.

The accounting manager who brought me on board apologized that things are so crazy and not quite functional at the moment, and said that it will be like this for at least the first week or so. I'm supposed to have a meeting with her tomorrow morning to talk about "big picture" stuff, which we didn't get to do today since she was in meetings all afternoon. I also didn't get a key card yet, so I will have to call someone in the department tomorrow morning when I get there and have them come down and let me in the building. THAT one I don't like. But oh well ...

Overall, honestly, I liked it. I'll have to hold off real judgment for a while until I see how things really truly work there and what my role will be, but it's nice at the moment that I'm seen as a bit of a savior. I'm not sure what to wear for that role, though ...

And now, for your viewing pleasure ... a very few pictures of my day. I didn't take any pictures inside the building, of course, or after I left (just darkness and rain - y'all have seen that, I'm sure), but the beginning of the day:

"The Pink Room". This is a spare bedroom where our clothes and ironing board live. We bring all the tropical plants inside in the winter to enjoy sunlamps - hibiscus, plumeria, anthurium, cirius and jasmine. Nothing's blooming at the moment, but it's a nice room to get dressed in during Seattle's gray wet winter days.

Getting ready to leave in Joe Jetta. Yes, I drove to work today, even though it's so close - it's a holiday so parking meters are free, and the buses are on holiday schedules - so I could get there 35 minutes early and stand around in the rain, or get there AT 9:00 (with the possibility of being late). I chose to let Joe get me there. (Note the time is 8:22 a.m.)

Found a parking spot right across the street from work. (Note the time is 8:31 a.m. Yeah, it was ridiculous to drive - sue me)

The Building. Finance is on the top floor (this isn't the clinic, which is two blocks away - this building houses Finance, IT, and business relations). Whoever leased the building before the clinic had a small fitness center on that floor. The restrooms still have showers, and there is a sauna just off of them. Hmmm.

Me waiting to get into the building. I know, I look sleepy, pasty and fat in this picture. It's the flash. And the bad rainy-day lighting. Really. I look better than this. Really.

(And no, I didn't wear the same pants as in my kindergarten picture from yesterday's post ... black wool, with black socks and shoes, thank you).

Thanks everyone for all your warm wishes. I'll keep you updated as to how it continues ...