Sunday, October 05, 2008
I snapped this picture of Kitty this morning, right after Scott left for work. She was immediately waiting for him to come home. She didn't know what else to do ... so she sat and stared at the door, not knowing or even thinking of what she could do other than to wait for the door to open again.
Work has been rough lately. I don't know that I can do it. I seriously think I'm the wrong person for this job. I feel like I'm waiting for something, just as Kitty is. I'm waiting for that one thing to happen, that one good, magical thing that shows me I've been doing the right thing. That I've been working toward the right goal, that things are looking up.
I went back to work for this company a year and a half ago, into a completely new role. One I knew absolutely nothing about. They enticed me to come back, saying that this team needed help, needed someone like me, needed change. Needed my personality, my style, my perserverance.
I haven't been able to make that change. And I realize, more than ever, that I don't know how. And that I have a lot of fear.
My boss and my co-managers are very supportive of me, telling me I've been doing a great job, acknowledging what I have done, letting me go in any direction that I want, helping to guide me. I've been a big proponent of "baby steps", of trying to emphasize that "two steps forward and one step back" is still a step forward. But I don't think I believe that anymore. I feel like there have been a lot of steps to the side ... not forward.
In the past year, I've had to replace two of my team members. One who retired, another who moved back to California. Their replacements have been two of the most incredible hires that could have happened.
Now, I'm looking at having to replace another one (shhh - this isn't quite public knowledge yet). This is a team of six people, including myself. My biggest struggle is with two team members who have been there the longest, who are irreplacable in so many ways, but who are also inflexible and, to be honest, bitter old women. But they have so much knowledge, so much history, so very much more experience in this particular field than I do, that I'm afraid to lose them. I don't know enough about this role to be able to confidently replace them.
I guess that's the whole point. I'm afraid. Afraid that whatever I do is going to be a mistake, and could honestly cause some huge financial issues for this company.
So much of my job is transactional, rather than strategic. I'm constantly busy doing "things", trying to help everyone get the job done, trying to just function, getting the huge piles of never-ending paperwork processed, keeping us functioning day to day. I have big picture, transformational things that I want to do, but can never get to. I think I've taken on more than I am capable of doing.
And so I wait ... wait for something good to happen, wait for the right combination of people and opportunities to make it all take place, wait for the "ah-ha" moment where I finally get to slide in and save the world.
And I guess I'm waiting to finally realize that I, unlike Kitty, have opposable thumbs ... that I can open the door myself, and make it happen.
Now if only I was comfortable being as much of a bitch as she is ...