Wednesday, September 26, 2007

10,000cc of valium - STAT!!!!

I'm having workmares every night, and spend hours each night laying in bed thinking about work (and telling myself "STOP IT!!"). My teeth are constantly clenched. I'm jittery, and my stomach hurts. Today, I finally went and picked up something for lunch at 2:45 p.m. - and threw half of it away an hour and a half later because I never had the chance to eat it. I'm constantly checking my work e-mail from home so I can be on top of things and not have as many surprises when I get to the office. I bring my laptop home every weekend to "catch up" but can never really get there. I feel like I'm failing at what I was hired to do because I can't even GET to the projects that the rest of my Core Team wanted me to tackle. I would literally have to work 16 hour days to get ahead, and honestly, I'm not paid enough to do that.

Yesterday, though, my boss told me I should be proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I don't think I'm confident enough to accept that. There is an overwhelming, insurmountable, way-past-my-coming-back history of issues that I'm supposed to deal with and solve by the end of the year - and, truth be told, I just can't get it done. I'm trying to show up at work each day and accomplish SOMETHING, but I feel like all I can do is keep our heads above water.

And, I realize that I'm STILL whining ... but, that's just how I feel lately. Yes, I'm fishing for good thoughts and some love. I'm hoping to plan even one freakin' afternoon off in the next month where I can just relax and let go of everything and go back to my simple post. I think a nice long massage is in order. Preferrably on a lanai overlooking the ocean, for about two hours.

*long heavy sigh*

Matterdays feels heavy. Going to bed.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Ride the SLUT

Seattle is not known for its' public transportation options. But soon, we'll be able to ride the SLUT.

I work in this neighborhood. I thought it was turning around.

New to my Blogroll ...

This is a very cool, insightful blog from someone dealing with coming out. Take a peek.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Yes - our very lives.

I had read about San Diego mayor Jerry Sander's decision not to veto a resolution urging the California Supreme Court to overturn a ban on same-sex marriages ... but I finally watched the video.

Wow. Just wow. Seeing someone express their change of heart like this makes me feel like maybe we ARE getting somewhere.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Hi kids.

I know, I know ... I've been lax (to put it mildly) at posting. So I'm going to at least post a quick, bullet-point update on My Life:
  • I wrote about having to replace one of my team members who retired. I did hire someone, who started yesterday. I think she's going to be fantastic - quick learner, great personality, eager to roll up her sleeves and get into it ASAP. WOW I need that right now.
  • Another team member in Ohio (who reads this blog!) changed her role in the firm and will no longer be in Accounting, so we're transitioning all functions to Seattle. Luckily, we have had an INCREDIBLE temp person working in our Seattle office for many, many months - so I offered her the job immediately, and she accepted. Yay!
  • Those are the good things. The challenges? Training two people at the same time. Going through some big policy changes (or at least, needing to enforce policies that haven't been enforced for a LONG time). Being unpopular with the people/scofflaws whom this affects. Starting two new positions at a hugely busy (more so than normal) time of the month. Add the other changes that I have been trying to implement - and you have one haggard-looking, stressed-out Matterdays.
  • The pile of "other" issues that I WANT to be dealing with as a manager? Well, I keep inheriting more and more and more and more. Nothing goes away. I'm still trying to deal with things that haven't been addressed (at least not properly) for the past two years while I was gone. I'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that if I ever want to see the surface of my desk again, the only solution will involve flammable liquids and a match. And don't think I won't go there.

Thus endeth the rantings/ravings/whining/bitchings of Matterdays.

Thanks for lending an ear.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

September 12 of 12

Thanks, Chad for the 12 of 12 phenomenon.

My September 12 of 12 is definitively lame. I don't like it when it lands on a workday. Deal, kids.

These pictures were all taken on Wednesday, September 12, 2007 in Seattle, Washington, USA.

Matterdays (in a SO flattering picture) about to leave for work.

The garden/pond from the deck. Overgrown, eh? Must be the end of summer.

Hunter, The Amazingly Affectionate Cat With Opposable Thumbs, being shy as I came back inside the house.

Cat litter that I bought last Sunday, still in the front hall. Oh, yeah. I need to clean out their litter boxes.

On the way to work. Change, light, change!!!

I HATE our parking garage at work. The spaces are about 16" wide. Joe got dinged last week - you can't really see it here, but there is a small scratch and three small dents in the rear driver's side door. And he was so beautiful until now!!!!

No pictures from my workday. Trust me, kids you wouldn't want to see them!!!! It was ugly. Waiting in line to leave the garage ... they changed the price for daily parking from $8 to $12!!!!!!!! That's a 50% increase with no warning!!!! Grrrrrr. Now I need to explain that to the person I hired, who starts on Monday. Matterdays = not happy.

The corner near our house. The building that used to be here was heavily damaged in the Nisqually Earthquake in 2001. They finally tore down the eyesore that was there, and there is a plan to put in a mixed-use building here soon. But it's oh-so-pretty right now, eh?

An Andrew Lloyd Webber musical was being staged in our house when I got home.

Catz grooming each other. This is a rare treat, seeing them being affectionate towards each other. They're buddies, they just won't admit it.

My standard 12 0f 12 post - the pond from the upstairs balcony. Definitely bridging on fall.

Working on my 12 of 12 post. Damn - I forgot to eat dinner. I hate it when Scott closes and we can't eat together. My Thursday mornings always start with my stomach grumbling.

My bonus pic - "Unexpected". I almost used the snuggling catz picture for this, but this picture was better. It's not that you DON'T see this kind of outfit everyday in our neighborhood, but it still stuck out to me. Normally you see this kind of outfit on the men.

Happy 12 of 12!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I wasn't going to do a September 11 post. There are SO many out there.

I'm not going to recount my day six years ago. We were all there, somehow. We all have our memories. None of us will forget it.

Yeah, I've got strong feelings on how we as a nation have destroyed the good will we received at the time. But I'm not going to go there. We all have our opinions.

I collected a few pictures from news sites all over the world in the days following 9-11. The pictures portray more than I could ever write.

These are pictures from websites all over the world, from our office in Seattle, from our Manhattan office ... they just all touch me.

The Tango Maureen

I love the musical and movie Rent (yeah, I don't tend to blog on CURRENT, edgy stuff). Scott's so-so on it. But this is one of my favorite songs from it.

Brief background (if you don't know the show): Mark had been dating Maureen - who left him for Joanne. Mark's a sound engineering genius, and Joanne needs help for a performance piece she's doing, so Mark helps her out. They're not each other's number one fans. But they start discussing their relationships with Maureen ...

I'm a huge tango fan, so this just keeps me watching the whole enchilada. About 4 minutes long.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A VERY un-politically-correct joke ...

You'll have to blame my friend Ken for this ...

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he
whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I
give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss
ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try sumting I have
heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a very puzzled
tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Before I'm Gone

I came across this meme on a few sites in the past few months. Yeah, this sounds a bit morbid. But after I started thinking about it, I thought this was actually just the opposite. And with my 40th birthday coming next month (yipes!), I've been thinking of these kinds of things lately.

What do YOU want to do before you die? There are no rules for how many things you need to list.

As for me ...
  1. Go white-water rafting - finally.
  2. Spend New Year's Eve in Time's Square. No, really. Just to say I've done it.
  3. Introduce Scott to my brothers as my partner, and have him be welcome in their homes.
  4. Learn a foreign language, to the point of being able to converse in it. French would be cool. I'm currently fascinated by the idea of learning Hebrew.
  5. Learn to swim - well. I knew how when I was in high school, but haven't REALLY swam since then. I'd love to have at least a lap pool someday. It's such an incredible workout.
  6. Be someone's godfather, and be good at it.
  7. Go to Rio de Janeiro, and see the statue of Jesus at Corcavado.
  8. Go to the Picasso museum in Paris (the last time I was in Paris, all the museums were closed due to a strike).
  9. Go to the top of the Empire State Building.
  10. Visit Japan.
  11. Go to Christmas Eve services at St. Mark's Cathedral.
  12. Perform a solo clarinet recital again.
  13. Marry Scott.
  14. Take a drawing class.
  15. See the houses that my parents grew up in.
  16. Spend a summer vacation at a beach house in Long Beach, North Carolina ... again.
  17. Go to the Hebrides, stand on a cliff overlooking a grey, windy, pounding surf, and recite the poem "Western wind, when wilt thou blow? The small rain down can rain. Christ, if my love were in my arms, and I in my bed again!"
  18. Have the guts to actually hike all the way up to the top of Silver Falls with Scott, without looking like I'm going to hurl.
  19. Teach a child something they will always remember.
  20. Give someone something that they desperately need, without them knowing who gave it to them.
  21. Learn how to tie a bow tie.
  22. Buy a vacation house.
  23. Experience at least one more White Christmas.
  24. Get that tattoo I've been planning on for 15 years.
  25. Spend one afternoon a week in a library, reading everything I can get my hands on.
  26. Throw the meanest cocktail/dinner party ever for all of our friends, all done by me.
  27. Meet Garrison Keillor.
  28. Learn tai chi to the point I can practice it daily on my own.
  29. Play Santa for a kid's Christmas party. (Yeah, need to gain a little weight).
  30. Believe that I'm just fine being exactly who I am, with no adjustments.

I could sit here and think of 300 more things, but that's all for now kids.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


10,000 visitors to Matterdays!!!

Saturday, September 01, 2007


I had read this years ago when it was first published, but I came across it today on this blog, via We, Like Sheep.

A long letter, but please - read it when you can. It's all worth it.

As the mother of a gay son, I've seen firsthand how cruel and misguided people can be.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.

I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny. My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin. The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

Sharon Underwood lives in White River Junction, Vt.
This editorial is from Sunday's Concord Monitor.
Sunday, April 30, 2000, By Sharon Underwood
For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT/Hanover, NH)