I'm having workmares every night, and spend hours each night laying in bed thinking about work (and telling myself "STOP IT!!"). My teeth are constantly clenched. I'm jittery, and my stomach hurts. Today, I finally went and picked up something for lunch at 2:45 p.m. - and threw half of it away an hour and a half later because I never had the chance to eat it. I'm constantly checking my work e-mail from home so I can be on top of things and not have as many surprises when I get to the office. I bring my laptop home every weekend to "catch up" but can never really get there. I feel like I'm failing at what I was hired to do because I can't even GET to the projects that the rest of my Core Team wanted me to tackle. I would literally have to work 16 hour days to get ahead, and honestly, I'm not paid enough to do that.
Yesterday, though, my boss told me I should be proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I don't think I'm confident enough to accept that. There is an overwhelming, insurmountable, way-past-my-coming-back history of issues that I'm supposed to deal with and solve by the end of the year - and, truth be told, I just can't get it done. I'm trying to show up at work each day and accomplish SOMETHING, but I feel like all I can do is keep our heads above water.
And, I realize that I'm STILL whining ... but, that's just how I feel lately. Yes, I'm fishing for good thoughts and some love. I'm hoping to plan even one freakin' afternoon off in the next month where I can just relax and let go of everything and go back to my simple post. I think a nice long massage is in order. Preferrably on a lanai overlooking the ocean, for about two hours.
*long heavy sigh*
Matterdays feels heavy. Going to bed.