Wednesday, September 26, 2007

10,000cc of valium - STAT!!!!

I'm having workmares every night, and spend hours each night laying in bed thinking about work (and telling myself "STOP IT!!"). My teeth are constantly clenched. I'm jittery, and my stomach hurts. Today, I finally went and picked up something for lunch at 2:45 p.m. - and threw half of it away an hour and a half later because I never had the chance to eat it. I'm constantly checking my work e-mail from home so I can be on top of things and not have as many surprises when I get to the office. I bring my laptop home every weekend to "catch up" but can never really get there. I feel like I'm failing at what I was hired to do because I can't even GET to the projects that the rest of my Core Team wanted me to tackle. I would literally have to work 16 hour days to get ahead, and honestly, I'm not paid enough to do that.

Yesterday, though, my boss told me I should be proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I don't think I'm confident enough to accept that. There is an overwhelming, insurmountable, way-past-my-coming-back history of issues that I'm supposed to deal with and solve by the end of the year - and, truth be told, I just can't get it done. I'm trying to show up at work each day and accomplish SOMETHING, but I feel like all I can do is keep our heads above water.

And, I realize that I'm STILL whining ... but, that's just how I feel lately. Yes, I'm fishing for good thoughts and some love. I'm hoping to plan even one freakin' afternoon off in the next month where I can just relax and let go of everything and go back to my simple post. I think a nice long massage is in order. Preferrably on a lanai overlooking the ocean, for about two hours.

*long heavy sigh*

Matterdays feels heavy. Going to bed.

12 comments:

Scott said...

I know the feeling of trying to get ahead and falling more and more behind. The past month has been like that at work for me too. I feel your pain, buddy. I hope things slow down for you soon. Just remember to take care of yourself first.

Oh, and a good stiff drink never hurts either. :-)

Scooter said...

I'm proud of you. Always am.

Sorted Lives said...

I am feeling your pain. Keep your chin up and do what you can. You are putting forth your best effort, that is all they can ask.

cb said...

My last job was much as you described. You are NEVER going to 'catch up'. There will ALWAYS be more work. There came a point when I realized my quality of life was suffering and monetarily it just wasn't worth it. I did the best job I could in the normal hours of a day, and then said 'fuck it' on the rest.

What's the worst that could happen? They could fire you (although that's unlikely). If you can handle that and truly know that you can land on your feet and find another job-- the 'fuck it' attitude can be truly liberating.

Deep breaths also help a lot.

Curtis said...

Sounds like you and I have the same job. Meet you out on the lanai.

Lewis said...

Hey, we're going on a 15-day cruise in two weeks.....to Hawaii...you wanna go? The bring the laptop home email overworked extravaganza can/will only last so long. Either you, or your work, will decide how and when it's going to end. Take charge, Mister. You're the CEO of your own life. Hugs.

john said...

I am so proud of you...working hard and doing what you need to in order to succeed!!
Remember when you are tired from working hard, it's always a good thing.

scottk said...

I think that considering half of the anxiety that came through that post that keeping your heads above water as you stated is an achievement in and of itself! Take kudos from the boss man while you can get them and hang in there every tunnel has a light at the end of it ...its just geting to the point where you can see that light that kills.
Head up young person ...Head up . :)

LSL said...

Omg, we're living the same life. Matter, this is tough. I hate to say I feel good reading this post, but I just appreciate that someone can relate. Today I realized that I had been HOLDING MY PEE for about five hours because I didn't want to get up from my desk and walk to the bathroom because I'd loose those four precious minutes of work time. And can you believe I'm much better than I used to be? I say things are going to change for both of us, but we're going to have to force it a little. How? I'll get back to you on that. Hugs!

LSL said...

Damn. Lose.

jo said...

Stop bringing the laptop home on the weekends. And go on the cruise with Lewis. You would have such a great time!

Love you, cuz.

Paul said...

Matt, don't worry, you've got it figured out. The two-hour massage is the answer.