Bad Blogger.

My name is Matt, and I'm a bad blogger.



One thing I know about myself beyond a doubt, is that when things get rough, I collapse in on myself. Kind of a mental and emotional fetal position. I ignore the fact that the world exists until the clouds all blow over and there is some semblance of a livable reality out there.



If anyone sees one, please forward it my way.



No, life isn't over as I know it. But things are scary, and agonizing, and ... well, making me stay in a fetal position.



(Oh, I threw my back out last week, which makes this even more pronounced).



Please don't be offended by my disappearance. I need to be inside myself for a bit.



Here's a pretty picture for now:

Just Another Day in the 'Hood.

This crap happens every single day in our neighborhood, mostly on our block. A car pulls up and parks, the driver saunters away, and the passengers hang around the car, either drinking or doing drugs in the car, or just hanging out. This is not what innocent people do on a Saturday. The driver is usually dealing drugs on the next corner.

This car was in front of our house for over an hour ... apparently a lot of us called the police about it.

This is really pissing me off, and it's only been getting worse for the past year or so. I'm thinking of getting a gun. So much for my Liberal Democrat status.

Brother can you spare a dime ...

I read this morning about a 90-year-old man in California who has been forced to go back to work for $10 an hour in a supermarket due to losing his retirement income to Bernie Madoff (who, I believe, should be hung upside-down by his nuts for the duration of his house arrest in his Upper East Side penthouse).

My retirement account statement came a few weeks ago, but I hadn't bothered to open it. Out of morbid curiosity, I opened it today:

Boy, was that a mistake. I've lost over 21% of my retirement funds in less than a year. I know, things will eventually improve, and hopefully it will all bounce back ... but wow, did that hurt to see.

I'm trying to stash away a little extra savings and update my LinkedIn information for that dreaded pink-slip day. And somehow convince Scott to start eating Spam.

This Just Sucks.

When bad things happen to incredible people.

No one is safe. Grrrr.

Thank zod I know she'll land on her feet. Running, even.

Go show her some love. She's a good one. One of the best.

MatterBulletPoints - Redux

I posted a version of this yesterday, and then Lewis left a comment that made me realize how whiny and depressing it was - so I took it down. Thanks to LSL, I thought about how the blogs I read are truly to see what's going on in other bloggers' lives whom I've become friends with - and if all I really have to write at the moment is a whiny-oh-woe-is-me post, then so be it. No one's feet are being held to the fire to read this, or to come back. So there.

So life these days ...

• Work is work is stress. I have so many deadlines to meet this week and there's no way in hell I'm going to meet them all. I'm still trying to make a team work with one less person, and basically I'm absorbing the big projects that void leaves. Still, I don't feel like I'm getting anything accomplished to the extent that I can't be laid off ... ugh.
• I mentioned that our stove broke down. Ends up it's the "motherboard" (I still don't know what to really call it) - which needs to be ordered - which will finally be fixed on February 5 about $480 later. It better make some damn good dinners after all that.
• I've been fighting off a cold for over a week, which hit me on Saturday. I spent most of Sunday napping and feeling crappy, went to bed at 8:00 last night, and feel now that I'm home from work. My throat and right ear are killing me. I can't find the right drugs to feel better.
• Good thing - Scott's computer as back in the land of the living, including a new free external hard drive and extra RAM from Dell because they, well, fucked up. Scott gave me an old external hard drive, and now we're both faithfully backing up our irreplaceables.
• While cleaning out junk that had fallen behind my computer and filing cabinet to install the new hard drive, I found a watch (battery still working!), my beloved Human Rights Campaign cap, and the Eeyore PEZ dispenser Scott gave me for my last birthday. And the drawings an architect friend of ours did of our house's floorplan, to facilitate the remodel that we desperately want to do one of these days.

Thus endeth the whining.

Thanks for noticing me ...

Eeyore has always been sort of a mentor for me, but lately I'm feeling more and more like him. I've been depressed and gloomy and pessimistic these days ... in part, I'm sure, to post-holiday blues (our Christmas decorations are still up - I didn't have the heart to take them down yet), in part due to stress at work both from my job and from the fear that's always lingering over my head of being laid off. I'm in a constant state of stress and worry and I want it to stop, please.

Oh - and it's snowing again.

Layoffs.

Crappy news today.

No one in our firm is safe apparently. I'm actually very, very nervous about keeping my job. There's nothing irreplacable about my position, it seems.

Happy f*ing holidays.

Priceless.

Yes, the election is over ... but it's still a long, long walk to get our priorities back on track as a society ...

True, True.

November 4.

VOTE.

Taking Care Of Your Neighbors

Last night, a few houses on our block - and the reflector signs on the traffic circle by our house - got tagged. This pisses us off like crazy. The tags don't seem to be from any known local gangs, just random crap. It's just some people being disrespectful, ignorant, petty and childish. But it really hurts, to have someone deface your property for no known reason.

One of the houses tagged is right across the street from us. Two women in their 80's live there. Their house is modest, but always well cared for, with a neat lawn, carefully-groomed rose bushes, and small pots of geraniums on the porch.

It broke our hearts when one of the women said that she was worried she had been targeted for her race. She and her housemate are black - and while the neighborhood as a whole is a historically black section of Seattle, our block is sometimes called "the white block" by people passing by. We reassured her that their house was not targeted for any reason at all, that there were at least two other houses tagged on the block at random, and that it was a good thing Scott hadn't seen who it was or he woulda knocked their blocks off. She smiled at that.

We ran down to Lowe's and got some GoofOff and rags and a wire brush drill attachment. Then, with our neighbor George, we got to work. We scrubbed and sprayed and buffed for an hour or two. George's kids and some other of the neighbor kids came out and scrubbed with us. Finally, it was looking a little better.

While I was cleaning the reflectors at the traffic circle, a thuggish-looking guy drove by and said "That won't last, man". I said I guess I'd just come out and clean it every time it happened. But as we were all scrubbing our neighbor's garage, a young black woman (I only mention her race because of our neighbor's fear that the graffiti may have been racially motivated) walked by and mentioned how horrible it was that this house had been tagged, but how great it was that we were helping out by cleaning it up.

And that's what we told our neighbor. We need to watch out for each other. They aren't capable of getting out there and scrubbing graffiti off of their walls, but we are. You do what you can to take care of the people around you. Not because we expect them to do something for us, but because we're all in this together. When someone shows disrespect for our neighbors, they show disrespect for us, and we stand together and do what needs to be done.

After we were done, and had hosed down the driveway and promised to come back to re-paint the garage door if it needed it, our neighbor thanked us and wished us a blessed day. We knew that had already happened.

Get in line.

White Privelege

(Disclaimer: I am by no means saying that this is the one and only problem in our country. But it is a big one. Very, VERY big.)

Another hat tip, this time to Mikey:

This is Your Nation on White Privilege

By Tim Wise

For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "fuckin' redneck," like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their fuckin' ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're "untested."


White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn't added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.


White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.


White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.


White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.


White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."


White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.


White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.


White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.


White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it a "light" burden.


And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren't sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain…


White privilege is, in short, the problem.

Where the Hell is Matterdays?

I know I haven't posted anything substantial lately ... so just a brief update to what's been going on, if anyone's interested:

• I have to replace someone on my team - she's moving back to her hometown of San Diego due to personal reasons. She's going to be hard to replace - great attitude and personality, willing to take on anything, very intelligent. We're gonna miss her a lot. She let me know over a month ago, so we've been looking for a good candidate ever since.
• The hiring process has not been going smoothly. We had over 60 responses to our ad - and that was whittled down to seven possibilities. After initial phone screens, that was whittled down to four. Two of those were a pretty immediate "NO" (one we think would end up going postal, one complained that in her current job she had to work with old people - including "two thirty-year-old guys" - THAT went over well with me - her potential BOSS. Oh, and when we asked her what was some area where she needed to improve, she said that she tends to work too fast and isn't very accurate. Umm, this is an accounting position, princess ...) One seemed incredible, but after her reference checks I'd be taking a big risk in hiring her. And then there was one.
• I'm making an offer to the "one" tomorrow. I'm very excited.
• Scott and I ran errands on Saturday. I DESPERATELY need some new work clothes. At the last minute I realized I'm shorter on cash than I thought. Have to wait until next weekend. Then I opened the utility bills. Ugh. Maybe I can wait another paycheck or two ...
• We came home and it was POURING rain. I haven't seen rain like that since last winter. Like, monsoon rain. One second outside and you're clothes are soaked through to the skin. We needed it, though. And (I can't believe I'm saying this), it made me miss fall and winter. Something about lighting candles in the house and making comfort foods.
• I made a HUGE mistake in checking my work e-mail from home tonight. Something nasty has hit the fan that I THOUGHT was nipped in the bud oh, six months ago. It deals with an East Coast office who thinks they deserve everything on a silver platter whenever they snap their self-important fingers. It now involves our CFO, who wants to meet with me and the rest of our accounting managers tomorrow. I'm gonna fight this one to the death, but I have NEVER left a "fight to the death" meeting with her without feeling as big as an ant. One fried under a magnifying glass held by an evil, sadistic child.
• My last set of contact lenses are gone - one ended up with a tear in it. I've been wearing my glasses every day for a month. Which means I can't wear my sunglasses. And as much as I love my glasses, I look like a geek when I wear them constantly. Bleah. I need to set aside the time (and money) to get to the eye doctor.
• I'm hungry. I want to go out somewhere and have someone wait on me.
• It's pretty out. I think I'll go outside and take some pictures.

Welcome to our 'hood.

UPDATE: This doesn't make me feel any better.

Crime has been WAAAAYY increasing in our neighborhood lately. I'm not quite sure what exactly went on here right in front of our house yesterday ... four squad cars, but the (yes I'm going to be judgemental here) obviously cracked-out woman they were speaking with tottered away on her four-inch cork heels without being hauled away.

There have been break-ins (some violent ones), assaults, shootings, and too many drug deals and "Hey baby you wan' a gooooood time?" items to mention. Right outside our front door. It's getting nasty ... we (our neighbors and us) have to now consciously sit outside and stare down everyone who walks down the street to make them know we see what's going on. I'm very uncomfortable doing that ... but I've started doing it, even for short periods of time, sitting on the bench on the front porch and trying to make it obvious that I'm watching what's going on, and praying someone doesn't pull a gun. Things had gotten so much better for quite a while after I moved in with Scott ten years ago, but the past year has gotten really bad.

There are a lot of discussions that could be started here - gentrification, the economy, racism, etc. etc. etc. And that's fine. But to be honest, I'm just plain nervous and a little scared to live here these days.

The news from Cedar Rapids

My blog buddies Scott and Andrew live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where massive flooding has been in the news all week. I sent them a quick e-mail yesterday morning to see how they were doing. Scott's response really made it hit home just how devastating this is.

"Hi Matt,

Yes, we are fine. We actually live in Marion which is connected to Cedar Rapids on the East side, but far from any major body of water. We are soggy from all the rain, but no flooding near us.

It's so sad to drive through downtown Cedar Rapids and see all the houses that are completely under water. Most of those are older houses in neighborhoods that are pretty low income areas closest to downtown. I don't know how most of those people are going to come back from this. It's just so sad. The media is talking about the fact that most of those homes will not be able to come back from the flooding and will likely have to be torn down. Being under all that water they will very likely suffer structural damage if not completely knocked off their foundations because the flood waters are moving so fast down river.
The power of the current is mind boggling! A perfect example is that railroad bridge that was completely destroyed and washed down river even with over 20 rail cars loaded with rock and sand sitting on it.

I'm actually at work this morning. My company asked some of us to come in today to help out with the demand that we have because of all the flooding. My company, amoung other things, makes suction and discharge hoses that are used by commercial pumps. The demand is extremely high for these items right now, as you can imagine.

Andrew and I have a couple of friends who live within a few block of the river downtown. The house that they rent has water up to the second floor and they have lost everything that they owned with the exception of a suitcase of clothes. They have places to go since both have family in town but I just can't imagine losing everything. They had stacked everything up high enough to be safe according to what the river height was supposed to get to but it actually went several feet higher than predicted. One of the videos that was played over and over on TV over the past couple of days, had a clear shot of their house and there is no way anything will be saved from there.

As I drove over the interstate 380 bridge coming to work this morning, the water has receeded just enough to see all the debris that is plastered up against all the bridges. I just can't imagine how long the clean up is going to take.

Another really strange thing to see is a second railroad bridge just north of the interstate 380 bridge that has at least 10 to 12 large houseboats up against it. They were permenantly docked on a section of the river about a mile upstream. when the water got so high they broke free from their docks and floated down stream and slammed against that bridge. There was concern for a while that that bridge would fail and it and the houseboats and rail cars would take out the interstate bridge. That would have been disaterous. If that had happened, getting from the north side of Cedar Rapids to the South side would have meant about a 200 mile trip. Mind blowing!

They announced yesterday that the 4th of July "Freedom Festival" will be postponed till probably Labor Day. That's a week long festival that takes place downtown starting the week before the 4th every year.

So, to answer your question, yes, we're fine. Now if only we can keep some of the rain away for the near future...

Thanks for thinking of us.

Scott "