Wednesday, October 07, 2009

*Tap Tap Tap* Is This Thing On?

Yes, it's on. Sorry - I've been lax at posting anything lately, haven't I?

And I'm only taking the time to post today because I'm at home sick. Bleah. Cold/flu thing - although I'm not really congested anymore, just fevery/achy/exhausted.

Things have been depressing at work, on a personal level - one co-worker had an operation for a brain tumor (which went incredibly well, and she's doing fine). Another was diagnosed with breast cancer - but is in remission after a lumpectomy and radiation. Another suffered a seizure at work (boy, was that scary!), but it seems to be a reaction to a medication, and she's doing fine now, too. And now, another just found out that his wife has pancreatic cancer that has spread to her liver, and there's nothing that can be done to save her life.

These are all people around my age or within ten years of being older than me. It's a scary reminder that we're all getting older and having to deal with things we never even imagined when we were young and invincible. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm not young anymore, and that I'm not immortal. I find myself thinking of ways to be more active, to get back in shape, to be healthier. There's a lot on my plate there.

And now it's fall. It came quick and hard this year (doesn't it always?). From a hot, hot, HOT dry summer to cloudy and cool and rainy in 24 hours. I feel like I'm waiting for it to be the pretty fall that I swear I remember always having as a child. I don't think I should be waiting.

So, I'm looking out the window and seeing that the sun is out. It's lower in the southern sky, and filtered, and not as bright as before - but it's there. The leaves are decaying and dropping - but the trees are alive, just winding down for the year. The sky is a fading pale blue, with wispy high clouds strung across it - but it's there. It's still above us, and the ground is still below us, and our 104-year-old house is still standing and solid and warm and it's all okay.

I do miss the anticipation I used to feel this time of year ... football games and marching band and homecoming and my birthday (which does still happen - October 22, start shopping!) and Thanksgiving. That still happens, too, doesn't it? I guess it is time to start inviting everyone we know to Thanksgiving dinner and planning my favorite holiday, where we get to share what we can with people we love and who love us back. I need that right now. Life keeps moving and days pass by and it's hard to see anything but a week or a day at a time. But I'm sensing that I need to breathe in deep and take in what's happening around me and embrace the days that I live in.

Thanks for letting me ramble and vent. I think I'll go pet the dogs now.


Kelly said...

Honey... I feel you... I have been through some tough shit lately and seems life is going too fast sometimes and at other times too slow (the painfull moments)... hang in there and enjoy the crisp smell of fall...

LSL said...

I wrote a big frickin comment on this but couldn't get it post. Crap.

Summary: I'm so glad you wrote this. I feel it all and really appreciate you putting words to it.

Iron Fist said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Feel better!

jo said...

I love you ((((hugs))))

Scott in Iowa said...

hang in there, Matt.
Sorry to hear you're not feeling well.